Am I ever gonna be ok?
Hello everyone. I'm a newbie. I'm 18yrs-old. I'm a University student. I've had depression since I was 11-12yrs. I'm still struggling. I've been getting help from a counsellor since I was about 15yrs. I'm on antidepressants as well. However, nothing seems to help me. I used to be a straight A student. But, now I can't solve a simple equation without getting help from someone. Everything is falling apart.
I have a sleeping disorder. I cannot sleep at night whatsoever, so I nap during the day. This means I'm missing my lectures. I wake up to go to labs and that's about it. I haven't been to lectures in 4 weeks.
I'm so lost. I've been bullied all my life by my "friends", family (mom, dad, younger sister), and even random people that I don't even know well. My dad used to say how ugly I was when I was born. He and my grandma said that I was the ugliest baby born that day in that Hospital. I didn't really take these comments too seriously when I was little, but, I was embarrassed. Now, I hear those comments from withing my head (if that makes sense). I have the Body dysmorphic disorder too. I hate myself - the way I look, the way I talk, and just about everything about me.
I constantly hear "people" talking inside my head. I sometimes talk back to them. I have no friends, partly because I lack social skills. I live in a hostel with 430 other students, and I couldn't make any friends. I'm not one of those cool people, so I try to be funny. I usually end-up cracking an inappropriate joke or being really annoying. I managed to piss my 'neighbour' off twice in a row.
I'm also OCD, which means I'm super clean, neat and crazy. I spend a lot of time cleaning and washing my stuff. I clean my keyboard with disinfectant just because I litterally can "see" the germs on it. My wardrobe is colour-coded, with all the black tops on the left, and white on the right, with all the other colours in-between. I'm obssessed with cleanliness.
I'm also a perfectionist. I never reached the standard my parents expected me to reach. So, I was never good enough. There was also something wrong with my work. I never was appreciated for achieving something. I tried really hard to get attention from my parents. Sometimes, I would pretend to be sick so that I'll get my mom's attention. When I am actually sick, I'll stop taking my Meds so that I can be sick for a longer period. My dad always compares me to my sister. She's smarter than me. She's better than me. She's my dad's "little princess". I am supposed to be taking care of her. If something goes wrong it's all my fault. I get yelled at when she does something wrong.
I had a bizzare childhood. I used to get beaten up and bitten by my sister. I used to have bite marks all over me. Funny thing is, my mom yells at me for not being able to defend myself. I was never close to my family. I started to seperate myself from my family when I was about 6yrs. I thought it would hurt me less. I built these imaginary walls around myself so nothing can get to me. But, then I felt like a robot- I didn't like being emotionally numb. So, I started to inflict pain on myself, i.e. cutting myself. I've been doing it for like 2yrs now. I can't stop, I'm addicted to that pain. I feel wierd when I'm happy. 'Happiness' is not an emotion I'm used to. So, whenever I feel 'happy', I start cutting myself so that I don't have to deal with wierd feelings. I haven't been outside in 4 days. I wake up, eat, and go back to sleep. When I'm awake I like to Google "death", 'suicide", and I also love to do those online self-diagnosis tests. Cutting, and seeing the blood flow is the only way of ensuring that I'm alive.
I'm addicted to pain killers and sleep medication. They help me relax. I'm also worried about my craving for alcohol. I'm not an addict yet. But, alcohol takes me far away from reality, and I don't have to deal with my emotions when I'm drunk. Sometimes, I get drunk when I want to get some sleep.
I have these imaginary people living inside my head. I have an imaginary boyfriend, who is so cute. He's talks to me. He holds my hand when I'm feeling down. He loves me. I have a hard time letting go of him. I don't want to believe that he isn't real. He's the only person in the world that loves me and care about me. So, how can I let him go? I create these imaginary senarios in my head. It helps me get away from reality.
I'm ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless, etc, so I tried to kill myself atleast 3 times. I was only 13yrs when I first attempted. I still can smell the poison, I still remember me sniffing the poison. My only regret is, not ending it then. I keep telling myself that I should have done it right back then. I think about suicide all the time. I even pretend to be dead at times. I try to drown myself in my bathtub, and pretend that I'm dead. I would want to know who in the world would miss me.
I study in one of the best Universities in the world. My parents have my future planned. But, all I see is a long, dark tunnel, and I have to walk through it by myself. I just wish I had someone/something to hold onto. I just want to be loved for who I am. My parents would love me if I get into Medical school. I just want someone to accept for who I am without judging me. All I need is love, something I never had in my entire life. I just wish I could go back to my childhood and start everything all over again. I just wish I wasn't here at all.
I know, this is a long as thread. Thanks for taking time to read this.